A Family's Direction

As parents we make decisions that affect everyone in the family. We set the tone for what is important and what is valued. There is a hidden element to this whole parenting adventure that I only recently discovered.

Direction falls under this focused family precept as well. Direction is a little under the radar in reality. It may not always be so easily defined, but it is an integral part of the pace of family. It actually begins to show up as patterns developing in a family.

If you and your siblings and parents meet for a meal once a week, then your parents lead in a direction that included this as an important value. Even after you as children left the house, the direction continued.

Family businesses that pass from parents to children fall into the same category. Sports involvement can be the same.

In our family, faith as Christians, has always been valued. It has moved us in a direction of ministry to others in the church setting for the last twelve years. Earlier this last summer I resigned from our church in Canada. I had planned on taking a year off to do some writing. What I did not anticipate was that even though ministry is sometimes stressful for our family, it is also part of the direction. Not ministering in the church created an imbalance in our direction. This was a major interrupt in our children especially.

When the direction was violated the anxiety in our family rose and a sense of wandering came out. Even though we were maintaining the process of faith in our home, the family direction was suffering. As I began to seek a new assignment in another church, the process in itself made it even worse.

Now, we are headed to Spring Hill, Tennessee as I have agreed to be the pastor of a church there. When that decision was made there was a great lifting of our spirits as the direction had returned. We are once again moving together in life. We are moving in a direction that has become a definition of who we are together.

What do you value and where is it taking your family?

Conflict In Marriage Does Not Equal Incompatibility

What do you want in your marriage?

We could all probably answer that 100 different ways. If the question was asked, "What do you NOT want in your marriage," I'll bet conflict will be high on the list.

I have known very few people that actually enjoyed conflict. I, for one, hate it. I have read that a high percentage of reasons for divorce is incompatibility. Actually I just looked a little further and irreconcilable differences was an often sited reason which is close to the same. Conflict drains us and discourages us.

If you are looking for a marriage without conflict, dream on! If you ever have more than one person in a room, there will be conflict. In fact many can find conflict, even if they're alone.

Here's the deal. Get used to the idea of conflict being around; it's not a reason to leave home. Now, I am not naive. I know there is some conflict that requires separation. I am talking about everyday, normal conflict that arises in marriage. The key is in how you deal with it.

In my psychology class, years ago, I remember the book saying that we all have a" flight or fight" instinct. Has anyone ever read about the "deal with it" solution?

Remember this person you married was once the only thing in life that mattered. They are still worth fighting for.

*Handle conflicts by humbly asking clarifying questions.
"Did you mean .... when you said...?"

"Are you really saying...?"

*Handle conflict by assuring your spouse that you love them, and while this disagreement is difficult, it does not change your love or commitment.

*Handle conflict by bringing a trusted person into the conversation to help you sort it through.

*Handle the conflict. Don't let it ruin your love or marriage.

Imagine a marriage where when conflicts arise, someone brings it up and you get through it without two days of the cold shoulder and sleeping on the couch. Wouldn't it be great to be able to be secure because even though there's a bit of trouble it's not the end?

Conflict is a bump in the road of marriage, not the end of the road.

Our Children Sometimes Surprise Us

Moving is one of the top ten stressors on a family as I read it. In fact, so is being without a job. So, at the moment we live in two of the top ten stressors in life. That's OK, we chose this path, and we are doing our best to learn everything that we can out of it.

In fact over the last three months not only have we been able to travel and be ministered to by many people, but in those same travels we have been able to encourage and minister to others that we have not seen in many years.

Along the way, we continue to be aware of the effects of this on our children. Some of their reactions are typical to their age and personality, but sometimes they surprise us and really show a different sort of maturity.

Our seven year old daughter has drawn several pictures of Prince Edward Island, where we used to live. One was of the Confederation Bridge and another was of a sunset on the beach. She stop with just a picture though.

She also wrote notes on the back of them to tell us something important. Both of them said something to the effect of, I miss my home on Prince Edward Island, but I know that you love us and are taking care of us."

It's easy for us , even as adults, to focus on our own pain and difficulty. How many diets have you ended early or books have you started only to stop early because it was too hard. now I know that she has no choice in the matter, but she still is affirming faith in us even in hard times.

Could we be so bold as to accept our painful circumstances and trust God for His love and care?